


Dicks in a Box

by Metal_Chocobo



Category: Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: Dick Jokes, Gen, Gift Giving, University of Minnesota Golden Gophers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-05 10:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11011710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metal_Chocobo/pseuds/Metal_Chocobo
Summary: Lee Stecklein gets a mysterious package from Thailand for the Gopher Women’s Hockey seniors.





	Dicks in a Box

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to angelsaves for betaing.

“Oh cool, it looks like you got a package from Thailand!” Milicia exclaimed as she burst into the apartment.

“What?” Lee asked, looking up from her homework. After a moment, she gladly pushed it away and came over to see what Milica was going on about. Anything to get away from another hour of number crunching.

“Thailand, see?” Milica pointed down at the postal ink smeared across various parts of the package. Amanda didn’t know how she could decipher that, but Milica was a fount of weird knowledge. “Who sent you something from Thailand? Come on, let’s open it up!”

“I can’t, “ Lee said. She tapped the address label. “It says to the women’s hockey seniors, care of Lee Stecklein. I’m supposed to give it to the seniors, not open it myself.”

“Then I’ll open it!”

Lee snatched the box away from Milica and smacked her hands away when she reached for it. Milica pouted, but Lee just shot her the best glare she could manage—which admittedly, wasn’t very impressive.

“Even if I’m not supposed to open it, it was put into my care. That means no one is opening it until we get all the seniors grouped together. Capiche?”

“Fine,” Milica groaned. A moment later, she brightened considerably. “I guess that means we’re having the senior squad over tonight. We can queue up Netflix and make a party of it once we find out what’s in the box!”

“Sure, Meatz,” Lee agreed, stifling a laugh. Even if spring semester had just started, Milica was always up for a party.

She decided to carry the box into her room, to keep Milica from giving into temptation early, and gave the box a light shake before setting it on her bed. It was surprisingly heavy, and something shifted inside when she jerked it around. Lee didn’t have the faintest idea what was inside, but she hoped whoever packed the box padded it enough inside that they hadn’t gotten damaged goods. As Milica ran around the apartment getting things ready for an impromptu party, Lee returned to the kitchen table and her homework. If things worked out, she’d be done with it before any of the girls arrived.

She wasn’t quite done when the first girls, Brook being prompt as usual, arrived, but it was good enough. Lee stowed her homework and put herself in a party frame of mind, which was fairly easy with Milica hurling gummy worms around the room. The Amandas showed up next, first Kess and then Mandy. Hannah showed up last and came in with Dani trailing behind her.

“Woah, is this some secret senior thing?” Dani asked, glancing around the room. “Because Meatz didn’t say anything along those lines when she called.”

“We were hanging out when I got the call,” Hannah explained. “I said she ought to come along. That is okay, isn’t it?”

“Course it is,” Lee agreed. “You can be in the same boat as me, Easy, since I doubt there’s anything in this box for us non-seniors.”

“Pshaw,” Dani snorted, rolling her eyes. “You’re practically a senior, Ms. Red-shirted Junior.”

“She’s got a point, Lee, you were in our freshman class,” Hannah said.

“And it’s a bummer you’re not graduating with us, but that’s the price you pay for being an Olympian,” Milica said.

“It’s a fair trade, though,” Amanda said, cracking a grin, “but only if you opt for the concussion free variant. I speak from experience.”

“You still would have gone for it, even knowing the results,” Mandy replied.

“You mean now that she knows she can skate again?” Brook asked. “Because there’s no way in hell I’d willingly be stuck in the dark for two years with concussion symptoms. I’d hang up my skates this instant if that was my only other option.”

“And that’s why you’re not an Olympian,” Mandy replied.

“Woah, guys, let’s not go there,” Lee said, suddenly worried her interpersonal peacekeeping skills would be needed. That was the sort of thing Milica might say to the other team to rile them up and cause some friction on the ice. You didn’t say that sort of thing to a teammate.

“No, it’s true,” Brook said. “I’m hanging my skates up at the end of the season and headed back to Oklahoma. I’ve got plenty of drive—I wouldn’t be here if that wasn’t the case—but I don’t have the skill to be an Olympian, and I’m not willing to sacrifice my health for a medal. Kess did, and she’s had a high price to pay for it, even if she’s finally over it. If Mandy wants to do that as well, more power to her.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Mandy said. “Brook, Kess, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it, but I just…”

“We get it,” Amanda said. She hugged the goalie, and after a moment, Brook wedged her way into the hug as well.

“Can we please open the box already?” Milica whined. “I’m dying to see what we got from Thailand!”

“Alright,” Lee sighed. She set the box in front of her defensive partner. “Have at it, Meatz, tear it open. Just, try not to destroy what’s inside, okay?”

“Aye-aye, captain.”

Within seconds, Milica ripped into the packaging and pulled off the top of the wooden box underneath the shipping paper with her pocketknife. Inside the box, they found a lot of straw acting as padding, and when Milica dug around a bit, she pulled out a small wrapped package with a box on it. Someone had sent a present.

“Oh hey, look, there’s an envelope taped to the bottom of the top,” Lee said, gently pulling it off the wood.

“And this present is to Kess,” Milica said, handing it over.

Amanda grinned and ripped open the present. That grin turned into a frown when the wrapping paper revealed a large bright red phallus. It was roughly the length of Amanda’s forearm and consisted of a head, shaft, and balls. A hemp rope was attached at the base between the testicles. Everyone stared at it in shock.

“It… says it’s soap,” Amanda said after a long pause. “Strawberry scented.”

“Who the fuck sent you strawberry dick soap?” Hannah asked. “Lee, open the letter.”

“Right,” Lee said, remembering the envelope in her hands. She tore open the top with a finger. “Okay, it’s from Noora, I recognize the handwriting.”

“Why did Noora send Kess this?” Brook asked. “Is there something we haven’t caught onto here?”

“Yeah, is there something you need to tell us about you and Noora?” Milica teased.

Amanda rolled her eyes and dropped the soap dick on the table. She jerked her chin at Lee. “Read the letter out loud. Surely you’ve had enough time to skim through it by now.”

“To my favorite dickheads, got somethin' real important to give you all,” Lee read. “Something special for the holiday. Love Noora. PS: Your hands will stay clean, but the mind does not.”

“Is that a dick in a box reference?” Milica asked. “Who showed Noora that SNL skit?”

“Don’t look at me,” Amanda said. The rest of the women assembled agreed they hadn’t shown it to her either, though it had been super popular recently.

“Does that mean she got us all dick soap?” Mandy asked.

That was exactly what Noora had done. When they emptied out the rest of the box they found wrapped soap dicks for all the seniors on the team and Lee. For some reason, the situation became funnier and funnier as each phallus sprang forth from the packaging. Hannah ripped shockingly yellow wrapping paper off an equally yellow banana soap penis. Mandy received a purple grape dick soap, frowned, and stuck it back in its packaging. Brook giggled at her tangerine orange cock and swung the soap around her head by the cord. Milica took a photo of her lime green dick soap. Lee couldn’t help snorting when she found sky blue raspberry genitalia in her package.

Everyone was quite amused by Noora’s gifts, but Dani was definitely most affected. She was doubled over and crying because she was laughing so hard. Eventually Lee had to fetch her a glass of water to help calm her down, but Hannah set her off again when she wiggled her banana dick soap at her.

“Does anyone want to trade?” Mandy asked, holding up her gift. “I’m all for having one of the gag gifts, but I’m not a purple fan.”

“Sure, we can trade if you’ve got a cord too,” Brook grinned. “I can’t have a soaring penis without the rope.”

“Why did she send us dick soap?” Hannah asked

“She posted a few weeks ago about finding dick soap in Thailand and threatened to send some as Christmas presents,” Amanda said. “I guess she decided to go through with it.”

“Any idea why she didn’t get some for the full team?” Milica asked. “I mean, I’m honored, but it’s a little surprising.”

“Expense, I’d guess. Shipping alone would be absurd for that many soap dicks,” Lee said. “Plus, if she bought enough for the whole team, we might have tried to open it in the locker room, and you can imagine how well this would go over with Frosty.”

“Oh my god, Muzzie would blow a gasket,” Milica howled. Everyone else started giggling as they imagined their coaches’ reactions.

“Plus, I imagine she only felt comfortable sending dick soap to people she knew and played with,” Dani added. “Noora’s a lot ballsier than I am, but I imagine even she’d feel weird sending dick soap to strangers. I wouldn’t even do it for friends unless I was super close to them.”

“Are we going to share this with the rest of the team?” Hannah asked.

“Oh, I’ve already sent out a group text,” Milica said. “Baldie and Wolfy asked to see the rest of the presents. We’ll definitely have to bring them to practice.”

“No way,” Mandy said. “We can bring them to the tree house, but I’m not bringing this to the locker room.”

“Deal,” Hannah agreed.

“Hey, there’s another package,” Amanda said. After checking the label she said, “It’s for Mira. Who wants to deliver it?”

“I suppose I ought to,” Lee sighed. “Noora did send everything to me to be distributed.”

“I think she probably did that to ensure you were included in the gift giving,” Amanda said. “But hey, if you want to deliver it to Jalis, be my guest. You were D-partners for ages.”

“Yeah, it will be good to catch up,” Lee agreed.

“Besides, if anyone’ll get Noora’s gift giving choices, it’ll be Jalis,” Milica added. Lee had to agree. In their time with the team they had found the Finns had a very particular type of humor that the rest of them didn’t always understand.

The next day, Lee called Mira to see if she could stop by that evening and drop off the package. Mira said yes, so she drove over after practice. Mira buzzed her up when she rang, and when she entered the apartment, she was surprised to find Mira wasn’t alone. Well, technically Lee had assumed Mira’s wife could be there as well, but the living room was actually full of people.

“Hey, I’m interrupting something, aren’t I?” Lee asked when she saw the crowd.

“No, no, come in,” Mira insisted as she waved her inside. “Em has some of her rugby teammates over, very casual. Sit down! How is the team?”

“Good. I mean, Hannah’s benched until that elbow injury, which plagued her all of last semester, goes away, but we’re still dominating,” Lee said.

She didn’t actually sit down—and neither did Mira, all the furniture was filled with rugby players—but they both leaned against the wall to chat. A few of the women eyed them, though no one actually cut into their conversation. Lee figured they were being polite, as she got a few nods of acknowledgement, but she had no illusions that they weren’t eavesdropping on their conversation.

“Good, good. Ah, I miss being on the ice. The Whitecaps do not play enough for my tastes,” Mira sighed.

“Come to practice, you’re always welcome,” Lee said. Mira smiled sadly and shook her head.

“Maybe if I can find the time. Now, I am always happy to have you visit, but you said you had something for me?”

“Yeah.” Lee dug into her purse and handed over the present. “Noora sent it from Thailand, but you may want to open it…”

Before Lee could suggest privacy, Mira had ripped open the gift, revealing a dark blue penis. Mira’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped as she flipped the soap over, examining it. One of the other women let out a startled laugh, and Lee felt her cheeks heat up.

“It’s soap,” Lee mumbled.

“Dick soap!” Mira explained. “Seems to be blueberry scented?”

“Noora sent them to all of us, well, everyone on the team who had played with her, as a gag gift. I don’t know if she sent any to anyone else, but there was one in the box for you… so yeah.”

“It’s perfect,” Mira chuckled. She waved the phallus at her wife. “We have new hand soap for the bath.”

“Ah, I don’t know if I’d actually use it if I were you. It may not be very effective as soap,” Lee said. “Maybe just… stuff it in a dresser drawer?”

“This will go in a place of honor,” Mira announced. She strode across the living room and set the dick soap on the mantel.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Lee was fairly certain that was Mira’s wife. “That thing is not going to be sitting out when my parents visit.”

“Of course not,” Mira promised. She pulled out her phone, flipped through a few things, and then started laughing.

“What now?” Lee asked.

“Take a look,” Mira snickered, offering her the phone.

Lee crossed the room, feeling more than a little uncomfortable. She took the phone and looked at the screen. There was a familiarly shaped light pink phallus displayed with a rope coming off one end. She couldn’t read the comments surrounding the picture, they were in Finnish, but some of them were in all caps. A few of the other women got up to look at the screen over Lee’s shoulder.

“Did Noora send more people dick soap?” Lee asked.

“The entire Finnish National Team!” Mira exclaimed. “That includes our coaches, and Mustonen is not happy.”

“Oh geeze.”

“He thinks Noora is calling him a… there is not an exact translation, but a very bad version of the word penis.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yes.” Mira shook her head. “I doubt anything more will come of this, but she ought to be on her best behavior; he threatened to cut her from the team.”

“Permanently?” Lee asked, alarmed. Noora was the best goalie in the world.

“Doubtful,” Mira assured her. “More likely a tournament, and that is only if she gets into more trouble. She should be fine.”

Lee accepted her answer, but she didn’t share Mira’s confidence. Noora had a temper, and she had a habit of making waves. That might come back to haunt her, especially if she shot her mouth off at this coach again. Well, Noora was a big girl and not actually Lee’s problem. So she headed home and, after sharing the dick soap joke with the rest of the team, promptly forgot about it. Hopefully nothing would come of it.

Then Noora got herself kicked off the Finnish National Team, just before Worlds, later that season. Officially, it was about Noora possibly playing for a men’s league after telling National Team she was too injured to play, but the whole story was messy and in Finnish. Noora said she wasn’t on the team due to a “personality” difference between her and head coach Mustonen.

When Lee heard the news, she threw her hands up in despair. Despite the fact she needed to get to practice, Lee uncharacteristically decided to ignore this fact and called Noora on the spot to find out what was going on. If she were feeling a little calmer, Lee might have stopped to try and work out the time differences, since Finland was eight hours ahead of Minnesota, but she didn’t. Luckily, Noora was awake when she called.

“What’s this about you getting kicked off the women’s national team for personality differences?” Lee demanded.

“Lee?” Noora asked.

“Yes, it’s me.”

“You’re being unusually aggressive.”

“Just tell me the truth, Noora, why are you off the team?”

“It’s a personality difference.”

“Which means…”

“Pasi doesn’t like my sense of humor, even if the rest of the team found it hilarious.” Lee could hear from her tone that Noora was rolling her eyes. “Considering some of the jokes he’s told, he shouldn’t be that sensitive to a bit of soap.”

“You were kicked off the team because of dick soap.”

“Well, yeah, if you want to get technical,” Noora admitted.

“Oh my god!” 

“I don’t regret it, Lee.”

“Noora!”

“Everyone loved it except that sourpuss. It was the best prank.”

“Noora.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I will miss playing with the national team and representing my country, but a little down time isn’t a bad thing. I’ve been sick a lot lately and I am still playing with the KJT. Eventually Mustonen will get over it and I’ll be back on the team. I’ll be fine.”

“You didn’t send your Suomi-Sarja teammates dick soap as well, did you?” Lee asked, as this new horrific possibility suddenly reared it head. If she had pulled this joke on her other team as well, Noora could be out of leagues in which to play. That would mean retirement. Lee wasn’t ready for that.

“Don’t be foolish! They’ve already got dicks, what do they need dick soap for?” Noora laughed. “Be reasonable, Lee!”

Lee hung up on her and went to practice.

With assistance from her co-captain, Hannah, Lee gathered the team into a huddle after practice and explained the news. Some were a little incredulous, but everyone knew Noora’s personality and that Lee was a straight shooter under any circumstances, so they accepted her word. She took a little time after explaining the situation to talk about acceptable and professional behavior, mostly in relation to hockey and good sportsmanship.

“And let that be a lesson to you all: never ever send your coach dick soap,” Hannah finished for her.

It wasn’t quite how Lee would have worded things, but that was the essence of her speech. She grinned at Hannah, then got a grin and a high five in return. They dismissed the team to change and head home. This was not a lesson she had ever thought she’d need to impart to a hockey team, but then again, until Lee joined the Gophers, she had never met Noora Räty.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short story based off some tweets Noora sent about wanting to send people dick soap while she was in Thailand in December of 2015. The initial one is gone now, but there’s still some back and forth about the soap with a Finnish teammate. Thought it would be funny if dick soap was the “real” reason Noora was cut from the Finnish National Team for a while.


End file.
